Patterns of Abuse: Grooming

Quite often, abuse begins slowly and quietly through trust, attention and what looks like harmless behaviour. One of the most misunderstood and dangerous patterns of abuse is grooming.

Grooming is not just a single act, it is a process, a deliberate pattern of certain behaviour which gains access to, trust from and control over another person, often way before the abuse becomes visible or physical.

Grooming is a process that "involves the offender building a relationship with a someone, and sometimes with their wider family, gaining their trust and a position of power over the person, in preparation for abuse." Although grooming is often discussed in relation to children, adults can also be groomed, especially when it involves relationships with power imbalances.

Grooming can happen in:

• Families
• Romantic relationships
• Schools, workplaces, or religious institutions
• Online spaces and social media
• Care-giving or mentoring relationships

It is all about preparation and creating certain conditions where abuse can occur with less resistance.

Grooming can be difficult to recognise because it can often look like kindness, protection or love. Abusers may appear: 

• Supportive
• Generous
• Attentive
• Understanding
• Trustworthy

Many survivors of grooming only recognise they have been groomed in hindsight once their boundaries have already been crossed. 

Grooming can happen online and digital spaces have unfortunately expanded opportunities for grooming. Childline carried out a counselling session with a 13 year old boy who had been groomed by a manager of an online game. The perpetrator used the offer of making him a moderator as part of the grooming process.

 "At first I thought it was cool this manager was giving me extra responsibility on the server. They told me how much they trusted me which made me feel important. Lately though things have got a bit weird, like they say 'I love you' a lot - they say it so much that it makes me feel like I have to say it back. We’ve also been watching movies together, and most of the stuff they want to watch is explicit and meant for adults."

It is extremely important to note, and to always remember that grooming is not;

1. Flirting gone wrong
2. Mutual misunderstanding
3. Caused by the victim’s behaviour

It is intentional and strategic, and the responsibility will always lie with the person engaging in it and not the person receiving it. Survivors often blame themselves for ‘not seeing it sooner’ but grooming can begin subtly and slowly which is why it is so dangerous. It hides behind trust and care.